One of the problems with the main hall was that the major elements of the programme and the presenters of the programme were using the PA system. A PA system over-rides all other sound spheres. Resting on one of the beds or canaps or having intimate conversations was not easy in these moments. When the PA system was not in use, the sound of voices talking and perhaps an acoustic instrument would create an atmosphere of concentration and relaxation, which felt peaceful. There were also moments of 'hollowness': when the programme was in transition between PA and acoustic sounds, debates that were put on via the PA but did not catch the attention. Even though one tries to orchestrate each part of the day (morning, afternoon, evening and night) specifically according to the mindset of people at the time, certain discontinuities are unavoidable. There were also clashes in atmosphere between different groups of audience that emerged from the theatre or the cellar who had a very different mindset to the people in the main hall because of what they had just been part of. But then an artist would perform, a film would be shown, a debate would become engrossing and all attention from the various visitors would be engaged, there would be magic in the air, and the building would 'fly'. One of the most magical moments that many people remarked on at the time was the ballet "Elo, Elo", which Connie Jansen was the choreographer of. It was performed at the beginning and at the end of the 0+Ball.
By the time the 0+Ball took place I was 7 months pregnant, by which time my unborn child was very much present already. A pregnant belly is a clear sign of life. To walk around as the producer with this big belly in the midst of so many iyoung people who had to deal with their own possible death or friends falling seriously ill was in retrospect quite something. At the time it seemed natural. I was mourning because one of my dearest friends, Ton Regtien, had died a few months earlier, other friends around me were diagnosed with AIDS and Nico, my singing neighbour, had already died of AIDS angrily.
Being the producer, one has a special position in a group that makes an event like this happen. Everything that goes wrong is your fault. Anybody who is unhappy or dissatisfied comes to you. As a producer, I was reflecting both energies, life and death circled around me. My judgment of situations did have this clarity that comes from being in confrontation with life and death. Because there were so many layers in the 0+Ball, because there were so many emotions triggered by the beautiful art and performances, the powerful debates and the political situation that was evolving, I could really use this special space around me. I needed to be sensitive and open to see what was happening, but I also needed to be wise and strong to take the necessary steps. But not only me as the producer, everybody who has to deal with HIV and/or AIDS has to develop this attitude. It takes courage to dare to look into the eyes of life and death. That is why we needed a Ball, a celebration, to be able to confront life and death in the middle of all the other political and medical confrontations. We had to celebrate and facilitate being together, here and now. Everything is true, everything had happened and everything would happen, 'but' above all, we are here, now, together, be it online or offline. We are alive and not afraid to die.
